If you haven’t heard of a Money Date, we are about to enlighten you. Many couples who have these regular dates do them very differently but this is our process and it’s done wonders for our relationship. That’s why we want to share it!
When we bought our house in August of 2019, we thought we had (mostly) everything figured out. We’d always been told how money was one of the top things couples fight about but we figured we both had a good handle on our money and finances. Wrong. We both had unnecessary debt, spending too much going out, fast food (who doesn’t love Chick-Fil-A?), shopping on Amazon and we even had monthly subscriptions we forgot about. Neither of us had student debt coming out of college and bless our parents for that! So what’s the real problem here? We didn’t know each other’s full financial situation BEFORE we bought our biggest investment to this day.
Now, looking back at it, we made the best decision with the information we had at the time and it’s all a learning experience. We weren’t in deep debt by any means – only the mortgage and cars, and a couple credit cards, oh and we financed some overpriced furniture which, to be honest, wasn’t worth the money since we got a puppy four months later and you know how that goes…
The point is that we were in the mindset that our financial habits were normal and they were! For most people… We decided we were not most people. We realized we started fighting over money and credit cards and savings and so on. Although we’ve worked hard on the health of our relationship over the years – we even implemented bi-weekly date nights! There was still something missing.
Here’s what we learned from our Money Dates…
1. Money talk can be emotionally exhausting but it’s a much needed conversation and so worth it.
For many people, talking about money is a little taboo. Money talk is personal and revealing of habits you’d prefer not to admit to yourself let alone tell your partner. Talking about your finances can make you feel vulnerable and remember, THAT”S OKAY! Be vulnerable. You are building a life together! They are going to see that side of you sooner or later, rip the bandaid off and get used to it!
2. We realized what makes each other TRULY happy and keep that front of mind.
We realized we had a lot of the same things on our lists and it was something we bonded over and prioritized. We also realized some differences we didn’t know played such an important part. These differences were things we needed to accept and prioritize for each other.
3. We figured out each other’s REAL income, not the “estimated” figures we usually throw around.
We all tend to throw around this generic rounded number when speaking about what we make. When we wrote it all out, we took into account the income from our tenant who rents a room from us, things we sold for cash and other side hustles we have going on. It’s also important to note that we needed to write our income AFTER taxes and deductions to have an idea of what we are really pulling in month to month to budget.
4. We saw how much debt we both had outside of our mortgage.
Okay so there was a point where we both had some credit card debt…NBD, right? Actually, it is a big deal. We weren’t living inside our means! Yes, we were “saving” but we were still adding to our debt from interest added from not paying off the cards completely so it basically wasn’t balancing out. We finally got our s*** together and now have ZERO credit card debt (thank’s for the tips Dave Ramsey!). We do have some credit cards BUT we constantly monitor our spending and always pay them off each month, no exceptions. We recently got a South West card to gain points while we pay for our home improvement expenses and for our wedding. It’s really the interest on the cards that gets you! That’s how the CC companies make their money.
5. We realized that our money needed to be thought of TOGETHER, not separate.
For richer or for poorer! We chose each other so we needed to actually trust each other. We both stopped the mindset of “ME” and changed that to “WE”. We won’t lie, it was a very hard habit to break. We grow up being told to be self-reliant and take care of yourself. But what about when someone else is in the picture? What if you’re on different wavelengths in terms of life goals? Does that impact your financial goals? What about kids? It’s not just about you anymore.
6. We started holding each other accountable.
We had some pretty different goals but we were each other’s champion. We cheered each other on and made sure to acknowledge strides and progress and praise them for it. We make sure to do whatever we can to push each others success. Tell each other you are proud. It’s a reassurance AND motivation for your partner that they are working hard and it’s paying off!
7. We started communicating more effectively and more often.
Almost of all the couples we know have this one general issue one way or another…communication. Personality types are all different! One person over communicates and the other under communicates or you and your partner communicate similarly but that still can cause friction. Figure out what kind of communicator you both are and how you can work with that to improve. Setting goals and organizing our finances together opened a new line of communication for us. We got our calendars synchronized, we both have daily/weekly planners and write out our next day schedule and to-do’s together. It’s brought us much closer and established a more open dialogue.
So, How does this “Money Date” thing work?
You’re in luck! We have a FREE printable worksheet to help organize and guide you through your first Money Date! It needs a little explaining so we’ll give you the play by play. You print out two of each page, one for you and one for your partner! You fill these out BEFORE your money date. We suggest scheduling the date on the first of each month.
We both use an app called Mint to track our account balances, spending and net worth. It’s linked to all our accounts but don’t worry, it’s safe. It takes out most of the work by organizing purchases into categories so when you fill out the worksheet, you can pull up how much you spent on groceries and foods as a whole and jot it down. We also recommend you go through your transactions and correct any mismatched categories. There’s of cool features of the app but maybe we’ll get into it another time.
This all may sound a bit boring initially so as a reminder, this is a date. You can get dressed up (or not) get some beer or wine or water or whatever suits your fancy, plan your dinner and dessert then set the table. It’s fun to be cooking together just as a bonding warm up (a couple sips of wine/beer is nice too). There are NO PHONES during dinner and turn your TV off. This date is about your relationship and not what Chad from your high school is doing on Instagram because honestly, who cares.
Your First Money Date
After dinner or during – whatever you prefer, you both pull out your sheets and go over the first page! List your 8-10 things that make you most happy in this world and chat about it. These are things you can’t imagine your life without! Are there similarities between yours and theirs? What are the differences? Try to acknowledge your partners values, really think on it and advocate for what fulfills them most and encourage them to prioritize that over more trivial things.
Chat about your life goals as individuals. Do you want to own 5 houses? Get into killer shape? Save up X amount of money? Start your own business or write your own book? Whatever it is, cheer your partner on for having these goals, big or small and don’t forget to cheer yourself on for being open about your own aspirations. Got the same goal or two? AWESOME! Plan for it, how will you execute individually and as a unit? Next steps from then on is to keep each other accountable – you guys are the end game, remember?
Short Term & Long Term Goals
Now, list your individual short term goals (month) and long term goals (year). The goals don’t need to revolve around money. They can be ANYTHING like career, health, travel, reading, going to the gym, taking classes, starting a new hobby. Chat, collab, then make a list of long and short term goals you have as a unit. Again, hold each other accountable. Hold your relationship accountable. You wouldn’t have listed those goals if you didn’t have faith in yourselves to achieve it, so go ahead and prove it!
Your Monthly Worksheet
Notice how we have a section for your credit score? Too much? We didn’t think so. If you have bad credit, you should absolutely be transparent with your SO. They should know who’s credit will be affecting theirs in the future (if you want to get married) so you can both plan on how you’re going to address that issue if it arises. There are numerous reasons for a bad credit score that are actually understandable, so if your SO has a low number, go easy on them.
Did you both start your own retirement plan? If you haven’t, you should do that literally right now. If you do, write the amount you have so far. For us, our goal as a couple is to “retire” before we are 35 (we are both 26 yrs old) so this is a large facet of our planning and requires us to really keep track of finances and investments.
Your last month’s income! How much did you make? Don’t just put your day job, add your side hustles too. It’s important to figure out if both of you are living within or below your means or not. Add them up? How much are you making together?
Jot down all your current account balances. Checking account and each of your savings accounts if you have more than one. Add em’ up! That’s how much cold hard cash you really have to your name.
Let’s talk about debt. Alright love birds! This becomes a no judgement zone here! Take a sip and breathe. Not all that’s listed in the worksheet will apply to you. There’s things listed like your car loan balance, your mortgage (large numbers are scary), student loans (also scary) and lastly, all your credit card debt. Add them up.
What bills/utilities and monthly subscriptions do you both have? Gas/electric, water, cable & internet, monthly car payment, car insurance, rent/mortgage, phone bill. If the total looks a little high to you, talk about making some cuts or figuring out ways you both can save. Monthly subscriptions can be Amazon Prime memberships, Netflix, Spotify, gym memberships. Are there any subscriptions you forgot about/don’t need? Can you live without your FabFitFun or Ipsy box? Overpaying for the gym when there’s a more cost effective alternative down the road? Cut it. We did.
Monthly Expenses
Okay, time to take a deep dive into your monthly expenses. We are going to get real here. We’ve spoken to A LOT of people who always tell us “I literally cannot save any money”. Sorry, we don’t believe you. These are the voices of a teacher and a graphic designer…we aren’t rolling in the dough, okay? We are talking groceries, fast foods, alcohol, pets, career/office expenses, home improvement, medical/pharmacy and just your shopping in general (clothes, random things you bought cause you wanted it, not because you needed it). Add it up for yourself and add your SO’s too.
We find that usually people see this number and realize it is higher than their monthly income. Why? Because you’re spending money on crap you don’t need and we want to mention, it’s likely NOT listed on your top things that make you happy… We aren’t saying deprive yourself, we are simply saying there’s room for some sacrifices.
We were probably spending close to $1500 on food monthly at one point in our early relationship. We say “probably” because as recent college graduates, tracking finances was last on the list of priorities at the time. We were spending a lot of money going out to bars too but we’ll leave it at that… Then we bought the house and started to make those sacrifices we were talking about. We cut it down to around $800 to $700. Now with our tailored budgeting habits, we spend a little over $500 by shopping smarter. That’s $1000 in our pockets we can use for the home improvements, our retirement accounts, investing or just stick in our emergency fund. You have the will to stick that $1000 in your pocket too. We trained ourselves to think before we buy and try to advise each other on when to spend on what. Do you need it? Think, do WE need it?
Now that you’ve gotten the painful part over with, you guys should answer these questions TOGETHER.
1. Where can you cut costs?
Spending too much on food? Take a peek at grocery store options, drink some water and not soda, look for deals! Spending too much on clothes? Check your closet for what you already have and see what you really need. You don’t need another knit sweater to add to your other 15 sweaters. Can’t stay away from Homegoods? Start getting crafty. Eating out too much? Learn to cook and cook together! If the food’s terrible – look, we found another goal for you to add to your list. If you can change your spending habits, communicate and stay on the same page financially, you can save money.
2. Which goals did you accomplish?
If it’s your first money date, don’t worry, feel free to skip this one and the next!
Anyway, go you! You held yourself and each other accountable. Can you amp up the volume and challenge yourself more? How can you guys build and take it to the next level? Give em’ a kiss, tell them you’re proud and keep it up so you can crush some more goals next month and the month after.
3. What goal efforts can improve on?
Don’t beat yourself up (or each other) and don’t look at the goal and disregard it because it’s “too hard”. Don’t give up! If it was easy, everyone would do it. Remember those goals you dominated last month? Yeah, you did that. Just look at the things you need to improve on then talk about HOW you both plan to do it. When progress is slow, it can be discouraging and cause self doubt which can be debilitating. If your partner or you feel that way, communicate communicate communicate! Be open about it. Vulnerability is your friend (coming from two people who HATE being vulnerable). Do you need to cheer your partner on a little more? Are you actually holding them accountable? Are they holding you accountable or do you need them to push you more? Communicate that!!
4. What did/can you implement in your relationship to strengthen it?
Relationships are constant work. Are you in it for the long haul? Are you maintaining it? Yes, money talk builds some trust but you need more than that for this process to make real long term success. We personally make every other Monday our regular date night. No phones. No sitting in front of the TV. No distractions. So when’s the last time you and your SO really just talked?
“Love is a game that two can play and both win.”
— Eva Gabor
These Money Dates have done a lot of good for us as a couple and as individuals. We won’t lie and say our relationship has been and is perfect, no one’s is but we bond a lot more, support each other better and feel stronger than we ever have. If you’ve gotten this far into the post, you’re onto the next step to a healthier financial and romantic relationship!
Do your relationship a solid by downloading our FREE worksheet and plan your first official Money Date!
